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Loneliness seems to be the new epidemic in our culture. Friends are hard enough to find. Finding a biblically sound, Jesus loving significant other seems nearly impossible for many. Let's dive in and learn what we can do about it!
A few years ago, I had coffee with a dear friend struggling with being single. Half-jokingly, he said, “I treat dating like Costco: try it and if you do not like it, return it. It is fun, but now I have emotional clutter and regrets I never wanted.” I nodded because I had heard this story before—different faces, but the same ache. As a pastor for young adults, I have walked alongside many people navigating the aftermath of hasty or impulsive dating choices. Most of them started with good intentions, but their relationships were often driven more by peer pressure and excitement than by purpose and prayer.
We often approach dating like a compatibility test. Swipe, flirt, feel it out, repeat. But here’s a question I’ve been asking a some young adults lately: What if dating isn’t just about chemistry or attraction? What if it’s part of your discipleship?
Our culture has taught us that dating is a kind of preview experience—low commitment with a potential of high rewards. If the fit is right, maybe you’ll stick around. If not, just move on. But relationships aren’t returnable. They shape us, whether we name it or not. Every emotional bond leaves fingerprints on the heart—some gentle, some bruising. When we date without intentionality, we often leave a trail of half-healed wounds, both in others and in ourselves. Dating does not just shape your future relationships. Dating shapes you.
I often tell the young adults I pastor, "Your heart is like a garden. Whatever you plant now, you’ll harvest later." If you sow impatience, insecurity, or emotional dependence, you’re likely to reap heartbreak and confusion. However, if you cultivate kindness, set boundaries, and gain wisdom, you create a space where love—genuine, healthy love—can take root. This metaphor isn’t mine; it comes straight from Proverbs 4:23: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Taking care of your heart does not mean isolating it. It means nurturing it with intention. It involves asking, “What am I allowing in? Who am I becoming through dating this person? What is developing here?”
Here is the truth: you do not magically transform into a healthy, selfless, and committed partner on your wedding day. Marriage does not make you more mature; it reveals what is already within you. That is why it is important to date with the end in mind—every conversation, boundary, and decision you make shapes your ability to love someone well. 1 Corinthians 13, the famous “love chapter,” doesn’t describe love as fireworks or flawless compatibility. It describes love as patient, kind, humble, and enduring.
Most of us were never taught how to date with the end in mind. Some of us were taught to save everything for marriage without any guidance in between. Others of us were taught to have fun while we are young.
When I say “dating with the end in mind,” I do not mean that every coffee date should feel like a high-pressure interview for marriage. Instead, I mean being honest with yourself about the kind of love you truly want and recognizing who you are becoming throughout the dating process.
First, accept the process and ignore the pressures of now. Dating with intentionality means taking the time to discern if this person helps you love Jesus more, care for others better, and grow into the person God intends for you to be. Healthy relationships take time—and clarity often comes through process, not pressure.
Second, desire character over chemistry. Attraction is real, but it will never be enough. The butterflies will face. Character stays. Ask yourself how well they respond to stress or adversity. Do they speak well about others with kindness, especially their exes? Do they take responsibility for their mistakes and needs for growth or do they blame everyone else for their mistakes? Are you drawn to them because they notice you or because they draw you closer to Jesus? These are not just deep questions; they inquire whether you are creating something that will last.
Third, seek out wise counsel from family and friends. Dating while ignoring the advice and concerns of those who love you most is dangerous. Invite your best friends, pastors, mentors, and family into your discernment process. There are endless stories of relationships that looked picture-perfect on Instagram but are deeply unhealthy behind closed doors. Often, those couples ignored their community’s advice until it was too late. God often speaks to us through people who love us enough to tell us the truth.
God, I want love that is real and honors you.
Help me grow in fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5.
Show me where I am rushing or hurting.
Teach my heart to want a relationship that honors you.
Meet me in the process.
Show how to love like you do.
Amen.